May 9th

One year ago...

I always wondered about others who had had miscarriages, and not knowing wondered how they could be so sad about this baby they never really knew.

Now I know. Its so .....weird.

I don't feel sad now.

But I long for that baby that could've been.

I hate that MY "baby" is going to be 3 soon. THREE?!

That seems so big! Too big...

I know people mean well when they tell me just be patient. The lord has a plan. Its just not time yet...

But I really don't want to be told that. Its not comforting. Its annoying. I already KNOW that.

That doesn't make it easy to WAIT. It doesn't make me feel better.

Why is it not time?

Why is my body suddenly not capable of even regulating so it could be possible to have another baby?

Most of the time I don't even think about all this. because I DO know He has a plan and it will be fine in the end no matter what. But today. One year later.... I think on it a bit.

I feel sad when I remember realizing what just happened. That I had JUST seen this tiny heartbeat and was told everything looked great...other than measuring 6 weeks behind...

Then only 3 short hours later it was gone. 

All night dealing with the pains and then starting a new day with this overwhelming feeling of loss and emptiness, I NEVER would have known I'd feel.

In those short week I felt a connection to that tiny baby that I can't explain. I didn't have anything like it with my boy's pregnancies. It was a special thing for sure.

Its weird to me knowing that and then thinking about how tiny the baby was...it really wasn't even a "baby" by science standards. almost still a mass of cells, really. But I know what I felt, and I am thankful for that sweet experience.

I hope I can continue trying to be patient....but I also hope I don't have to be much longer...

Its so hard to keep hearing of pregnancies and babies and trying to be happy for friends and family who are expecting. I wish I could turn off those emotions. I just want to feel happy for them.

When everything looked great...